Latest TA post [19th May 2017] - Health and ear condition
 

I know that Ayu just post this on TA, but I feel that everyone need to know about this. Not just her fans but everyone need to know how strong and dedicated she is.

Official English translation shared by truehappiness
Translated by Kelvin from AyuFreak (Indonesian Ayumi Hamasaki Community), sorry if the translation is not perfect, but it's so much better than just using online translator.

My heart ache so much, I keep thinking about her. I have been fans of her since 1999, for 18 years. She has inspire me in many ways. And to know her current condition, its really heart breaking. :cry

I wish that she will take a break and do everything she could to heal her knees and ear condition. But we know that she never take a break. She keep on going. :no:no:no

I want to keep supporting every decision that she made, but I really want her to take a break and seriously take care of her body.

INTERNATIONAL MEDIA COVERING ABOUT THIS (I believe lot of Japanese news cover this too) :
http://www.thejakartapost.com/life/2...tely-deaf.html (English)
http://www.themalaymailonline.com/sh...-is-going-deaf (English)
http://www.straitstimes.com/lifestyl...and-five-other (English)
http://aramajapan.com/news/pop-music...ng-deaf/75372/ (English)
http://www.jpopasia.com/feed/21417/a...mpletely-deaf/ (English)
http://www.cleo.com.sg/entertain-me/...ki-going-deaf/ (English)
http://www.otakuusamagazine.com/Late...-Ear-8981.aspx (English)
https://www.lipstiq.com/2017/146388/...als-going-deaf (English)
http://www.thehive.asia/2017/05/ayum...-becoming.html (English)
http://www.asianjunkie.com/2017/05/2...-deteriorates/ (English)
http://www.rojakdaily.com/entertainm...ing-completely (English)
https://sg.style.yahoo.com/j-pop-leg...032007704.html (English)
http://www.japanfm.fr/article-4247--...-saggrave.html (French)
http://kenh14.vn/nu-hoang-nhac-pop-n...1184838883.chn (Vietnam)
https://sumikai.com/news/nachrichten...lieren-179181/ (German)
https://www.brilio.net/selebritis/pe...i-170522u.html (Indonesia)
https://www.kaorinusantara.or.id/new...dengaran-total (Indonesia)
http://jurnalotaku.com/2017/05/21/ay...li-sepenuhnya/ (Indonesia)
http://lampung.tribunnews.com/2017/0...-ini-jadi-tuli (Indonesia)
http://surabayaonline.co/2017/05/22/...anggung-musik/ (Indonesia)

many more...

Thank you :(

I got goosebumps and saddened again reading that shes been dealing and enduring the pain :(

the fact that she also cant walk straight and lost her balance and vomit... Ayu :(

this part is so tragic... :cry

Due to the rupture of my semicircular canal, I suddenly lost my balance. Sometimes, I can not even walk in a straight line. After that, although I managed to walk in a straight line, somehow I will stumble and fall. In general, it seems like as if I am performing in a drunken world. I have tried to vomit a few times in the studio's restroom. But, I always say to myself "I will not lose to you" and try to face it. Due to the face that I had a sudden heart pain, I went to get a check up on my ear.

imagining her condition, just how much shes been enduring :cry:cry and sudden heart pain? I didnt know ear damage will even cause heart pain :headache

Fuck. :(

This entry breaks my heart. My goodness.

Oh my dear Ayu...

:eyes

This was so heartbreaking to read, I feel like crying, I have really mixted feelings, like I'm so proud and speechless by this woman's strenght and courage, but also really worried about her determination to continue till her own limit, idk I just want her to be happy, no matter what I'll continue to love her and support her as much as I can, always.

I cried from this morning until now :( even my friend is shocked knowing this :(

I am certainly not a doctor, but I think this may be the condition that Ayu is talking about. http://vestibular.org/superior-canal-dehiscence-scd#
But I could most certainly be wrong so don't take it as fact. It is only my guess.
I wish Ayu would stop hiding these things!:dumbfound
It's painful to hear her struggling in this way and also bottle it up inside.:no
I really hope Ayu will buckle down and take things seriously and do as the doctors advise her.
If continuing on the path she is going will cause more damage to her health, I would prefer her to stop doing music. Your health is very important. I don't want her to keep going for the fans if it hurts her well being. Such a tough situation.
Ayu's 20th anniversary is proving to be quite the crossroad for her.:nervous

^
and it happened during her 10th anniv where she injured her hand and announced about her left ear.

now 20th anniv is approaching we got this devastating news. I cant stop thinking bout her now :(

So very worried for her and honestly rather shaken.

I think the fact that she went on that 'break' earlier this year was a bit of a red flag.

It may be time to stop performing for a while. She can still make music but I don't know about these tours/shows anymore.

I think she will not stop and going to do as much as she can, because high chance that lately she will not be able to perform. That explain 60 shows at this tour

I understand music is her life but I'm worried, considering the huge tour this year and probably next year... Maybe she's thinking about to stop after her 20th anniversary?
She needs a break, health is very important and she's only 40.

I have so much admiration for her, she is amazing. She goes through all of this and people still comment on her weight. She has enough to worry about.

There's a chance she will get completely deaf no matter what and wants to keep going now because she knows she will be forced to stop one day.

That is the type of thing she'd do, but it still scares me.

Thinking the same

I think she will always be recording new music, but these tours are probably not going to happen after the 20th anniversary IMO and it'd be for the best. But as Ayu is doing now, she's going to push herself as far as she can go until she hits "the end".

It scares me too, seeing her continuing the tour, with all the loud noises on stage >.< Im afraid she wont make it the last date >_> :( :(

I really really hope she would not be deaf completely. Poor woman, she has gone through a lot

After reading that I don't admire her or pity her at all.

She's being stubborn and destroying her body for nothing.

She's a multi-millionaire with a dedicated fanbase. She has no need to make big concerts or big tours one after another.

She could take a whole year off (or more) to rest and recover and no one would blame her and her fans would wait for her.

At the very least she should do concerts where she stays still. No dancing/jumping/running.

Sorry if this offends anyone, but Ayu is just being stupid. This isn't even her actual 20th anniversary. Her tour isn't that outstanding. She has no need to push herself this hard this year. It was stupid to book a 60-date tour with such health problems.

^Not every health issue can be solved with some rest and we have no idea of that would actually help her....

I totally agree with this. Obviously we don't know the details regarding her health issues, but a 60 date tour just seems so negligent towards her own wellbeing. She is not invincible. :no

there's official message in English!

I don't know if it's ok to post it here :(

I think it's normal to be angry and think it's a stupid decision, everyone is shocked. Rest won't make her ear get better though, probably just delay the inevitable from what she's written here. It's truly awful.

I'm just sad, shocked... I've thought about her going fully deaf before and how awful it would be (I doubt I'm the only one) and now we know it's going to happen, and sooner than we think. It's devastating, on a personal selfish level and knowing that Ayu is going through it and still pushing on.

As I already said... I'm devasted... I already spoke out my thoughts in another thread but again, the day Ayu will announce that she's entirely deaf will be one of the worst days in my life... This woman helped me so much through the last years and she still does... I can't imagine a life without Ayu making new music... I also wonder what Ayu would do... I only hope that she won't die... That's no joke! I mean, she's so dedicated to her music... What if she gets depressions, wants to die etc.... Of course I'm praying for the best and I of course want her to live but I just worry about her... Right now, it feels like a piece of my heart broke out...
And to the knee, it's a wonder she managed all these tours and the aerial stunts but now I can totally see why she doesn't do aerial acrobatic during this year's tour...

Besides that, I think it'd be okay to post it YUKARI! It's very important imo and an official translation is always good to have I guess...

please, everyone needs to know this

With the new English update, I now no longer have access to her Japanese entries up to a certain date from November until now. Odd.

Here is the 'official' English entry:
I'm not sure what will happen at the end of this road for "Just the beginning" but I'm afraid of whatever it will be. I'm worried about her but I know that Ayu being Ayu, she will continue to go on as she always has.

Thank you for sharing the message in English.

Well... now it's really hard not to cry.

thank you for posting it here, truehappiness!!

Thank you for sharing truehappiness.

This is devastating, I just cannot accept it right now.

Thank you :( Im so sad that how many times I read this Im crying :( :(

Of course rest alone wouldn't cure her. But at least her body would recover to a certain point and it's better than to keep ruining it with tours. Besides, she could (and should) visit several doctors and treat herself.

At this point she has 2 choices for the rest of her career: either a long slow burning flame or a short flashy firework.
She can choose to keep pushing herself like crazy and become completely deaf in like 2 years (and maybe even stop walking). Or she can choose to cut back on the concerts, rest more, work less, and her body can last another 10 years.

Her fans have been waiting for her to find a new direction in her career, to reinvent herself, to show something new. But she's been running blindly straight ahead doing the same old thing (with rare exceptions here and there). If she keeps doing it, she'll just fade away without fanfare and only be remembered for her past glory.

^We don't know how many time she got either, neither if she keeps going or if she slows down. It would be nice to not call her stupid or whatever if you, as everyone else here, have no idea of what's really going on.

She addressed a lot of this in a recent interview.

I hate to think that this finally happened to her >.<

For her knee do we know what had caused the injury? She said 6 years but she had the problem since 2007 and I remember it well seeing her bandane knee in the documentary.

I cried reading this.

What's weird is just two days ago I watched that sit down interview she did during Secret, where they ask her if she wasn't a singer, what would she be doing... and she pretty much says she can't possibly conceive anything else "I die. Music is my life. My life is music." And I was brought back to her ear failure and how depressing that must have been for her. And now I see this. I can't imagine any worse fate than this. Your aboslute passion; your life's mission; your calling... just dissipating - slipping through the cracks of your fingers, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I think she knows, there will be a time when the sand runs out... and she wants to make sure that the time leading up to that inevitability is not spent being cautionary - if she loses either way, she will lose knowing she gave it her all until she physically could not do it anymore. Like "if this runs down my body, so be it - if I don't have music, what do I need this body of mine for anyway?"

She had bandage on her knee at AT2010
http://i.imgur.com/drx9H4Dm.png

and at a-nation 2011
http://i.imgur.com/pYizkILm.jpg

:weep :weep :weep :no :no :no

and I cant imagine my life without Ayu and her music anymore. :(

thanx Aderianu. I still remember clearly the pic she posted during a-nation 09 after she had liquid sucked out of her knee and as usual saying it didnt hurt much and that shes doing ok

Agree 100%. In all honesty, I find it really insensitive to call her stupid and aggressively criticize her for any choices she makes, maybe even selfish, especially after reading how she talks about performing and music.

And on top of all that say you don't admire or feel sad for her at all? And imply that she's only performing for the money? Why do you treat her and talk about her like she's a lifeless robot?

For some reason I don't feel a thing, I guess I'm just numb and I don't completely realize what I just read. Honestly imagining my life without (active) Ayu sounds so unreal and impossible. But god, I want her to get better. I admire and respect her so, so much.

Thanks for sharing the official english message..
gosh this is so so sad..
please ayu...for once...listen to your fans.. we need you to rest for a while.. think more about your health.. T__T

official translation is shorter and doesn't mention everything that was in japanese text...
thanks, AyuGAME for posting this

Thats what I thought, like she didnt mention about the pain in her knee that she couldnt explain and how she didnt tell her family and friends bout the surgery. I can understand though as english is not her mother tounge. We express better in our own language of course.

Yeah great that we got the ori translation from the Japanese message <3

I am in shock! I can't imagine how she must feel with all this weight weighing on her.

But I think the people should stop calling her stupid or anything, we, as fans, should show her our support no matter what decision she makes. I know that this won't heal her, but insults are of no help either! It's her life and no one, but she, can and will decide what to do until "the end".

her knee problems and hearing loss was already mentioned at the tour report here http://www.ayu2017tour.com/
It was posted some time ago but I didn't read it

I broke my arm in January and at 27 it feels like I'll forever be "less" than what I was, because I might not ever regain full mobility. I can't imagine at her point in her career and life having to deal with two very debilitating problems. She must be dealing with so much pain and frustration... she's so important to me and so many people, I do hope she can cope well and that she doesn't continue to strain herself...

I broke my ankle few years ago and still have problems with walking sometimes, atm I have constant pain... if you broke something post-childhood it will never rly fully heal I have the feeling

I had left knee injury few years back and went for acupuncture for that, but my knee never 100% back to normal, and now I cannot jog or run for long.

It's sad to read the latest ayu's TA entry, and I'm still trying to "digest" the news.

^ You guys are right, an injury like that never heals completly... also the loss of hearing affects a lot your balance as Ayu mentioned and can cause vertigo, and she even went and sang up in the crane, it must have felt horrible :(

I'm nearly half deaf on my right ear since I'm 14, though i can still manage to hear around 50-60% with that ear... so i know exactly what she's talkin' about when mentioning the balance problem... i've got sometimes extreme problems with this too...

I'm so sad about these news! :(
I understand all the posts about she should take a rest and i feel the same way!
...but i can understand ayu as well...
She knows her time is limited - so she would like to enjoy as many moments as she can get...

Yes, she is stubborn and it is probably better if she takes time off to rest. But I don't think her decision to continue on touring is stupid.

First, you may or may not believe her, but she says that performing/music is her entire life, not just a job only. She is lucky that she earns money with something she is passionate about. What is Ayu without music? It is her entire life!

And I feel her in a way. I work in creative industries as well, and her post made me think: what if I will get diagnozed with rheumatism.. or get an accident in which my hands or vision will be affected forever. Or worse.
What Ayu endures right now is a nightmare I cannot even imagine. But if it would happen to me, I would take every second to continue on doing what I love. No matter if it is not entirely healthy; I cannot imagine a life without art (for Ayu is this music, like she sings in Love song...

Try to imagine you have limited time to continue doing what you love doing most. Something that, if you are going to lose it, you have no idea what else you can do. You will live as if your talent is a bucketlist; you make the absolute most of it, to be sure you won't miss out on anything. Resting will not win time.
I won't blame her. I would totally do the same.

Although I'm heartbroken to read what ayu has been struggling with, I'm also trying my best not to be angry... Continuing to perform despite it causing further harm to her knee and undoubtedly to her hearing shows how stubborn she can be. I only want the best for her, but it sucks as a fan to have to choose between wanting to see her healthy or wanting to see her happy.

Nevertheless, whatever she chooses, I'll do my best to support her.

This is SO heartbreaking :(
I really hope she takes care of herself and does what she wants to do... But this tour might be a little too much, I mean... The biggest tour of her career with this condition... I just hope she's taking care of herself and putting her health in first place.

This explains so much. This is why she seemed so "off" at CDL. :(

That's what's been hinted at in all the promos for the tour and now hearing all this, I think that might actually be the case.

I'm so, so worried. I hope she takes care of herself.

it's hard to think like that because it seems like she thinks about the tour before the album sometimes.

I think a multitude of different opinions, and how people will express their grief over Ayu's career ending sooner than what they believed it would, will emerge...particularly as time goes on.

I myself don't know how to receive it yet - on one hand, I feel Ayu's decision is very stubborn and potentially accelerates the issues she is experiencing, and on the other, I empathize and relate to her dilemma, this isn't a decision she would have taken lightly and thus her decision should be respected. This is her ultimate passion, and it's just so cruel that it also comes with such pain and struggle. I admire her greatly for pursuing her passion no matter what obstacle, but I also can't help but feel great hesitance - this is one of her senses, this won't only impact her passion, but all other facets of her life. I want her to continue singing, but I also hope that she takes care of herself, particularly given the serious tone of the post regarding her health issues.

There's a lot I wish to write, there's many feelings - some that could be described as insensitive, others that could be deemed more empathetic and understanding. Then again, much of it seems so unfounded - it's not as if Ayu has explicitly come out and said 'my hearing only has x amount of time left, this is my last tour, album, etc.' Reading back on what she has said about her hearing in the past, this revelation isn't exactly new? She's gone into more depth about it in this post than she has previously, but I think she's always been honest about the state of her hearing.

At the end of the day, all we can do is support Ayu! (and each other!)

That's really really sad...

That definitely makes want to make a better effort to go to shizuoka to see her this year.

Question is if the hearing problem in the right ear started completely only after the tour started, since if it started before I wonder if it would still be called Just the beginning.

I'm just ...in complete shock right now. Such devastating news. I can't imagine what it must feel like for her, with all these physical challenges impeding what she considers to be her calling; what we all consider part of our lives.

I figure it would be very heartbreaking for her to consider stopping (or even pausing) her concerts and musical career in general, but I hope she realises that her life, health, and overall well-being take precedence over everything else. I don't want to even fathom what 50+ more dates due on this tour are going to do to her body. If this resumes, I'm afraid this would indeed be "Just the beginning", but of something sinisterly awful. I hope she comes to a sensible decision, and soon. I'd rather have no new music from her in a while than keep having some at the expense of her life.

You are the real deal, ayu, so please get it together.

My thanks to all the translators and sources of the original post.

I'm in tears right now. I really appreciate her strength to continue her life as a singer, but at the same time, I wonder if it wouldn't be better for her to retire in the near future. It really scares me that someday she might be forced to stop and might not be able to put her career to an end the way she desires... That's just tragic. :weep

maybe this is the reason she decided to finally sing kanariya :( she sang about herself

Wow I don't really know what to say. It almost doesn't seem real because she's being so strong!

She really is stuborn but she also knows it will be very hard for her if she continues to do live shows and tours like this. I will love her no matter what but please Ayu be safe and take care of your health.

It seems she is choosing happiness an passion over health, and I can´t blame her for that.

Probably. ourselves also kinda fits neatly into this narrative as well.

This makes me so sad for her. There were already enough reasons for me to feel sorry for her but the thought of her not being able to hear AT ALL is so sad to me. Isn't there any surgery to recover hearing? I honestly think she should listen to her head and not her heart in this case. She feels like she shouldnt keep performing as she does so she shouldnt do it! Cancel the tour, this is about her health, her life is longer than 2 or 3 more years and ageing deaf without being able to hear music which is everything to her would be devastating. I wish I could tell her this personally I feel so frustrated not being able to do anything.. I hope she'll be ok and that she gets her act together and thinks about herself before anyone else

I've heard stories of those who have played sports over the years and their lifelong knee injuries... I feel like I've seen Ayu wearing knee braces for ten years now, but kudos to her for fighting through that all these years, and finally doing something to help it some by getting that surgery.

What makes me especially sad is that her hearing in her right ear is rapidly getting worse. :( She's definitely serious when she says "as long as the fans want me, I'll be there" but she definitely should've thought more into this many performances. She definitely knew about her knee then, and while it seems like she gave it a good amount of time to heal before going into rehearsals, she should've kept this tour smaller...

Well, that sucks. Poor Ayu. But, kudos to her for keeping on.

This is just so sad. It's all cause of something that happened almost 20 years ago, which she probably thought was no big deal back then... That's really frustrating.

As for her tours, I think since her 20th is so close she decided to go at it in full and deal with either retiring or not after it. She'll take the most out of her 20th and whatever happens she won't regret. Wise or not it's her life and choices and I understand her.

May she be strong in whatever is to come.

edit: I already loved the CDL opening with kanariya, now I love it even further. And opening the tour with The Last Supper, well, that's a clear message. So much respect for her.

I cant concentrate on my work today, I keep thinking bout her and to know that someone that I love and admire for years have to end her carrier like that with such a condition, the thought that one day Ayu CANNOT HEAR AT ALL really breaks my heart. Why this has to be to our beloved Ayu... :( ugh no words can describe my feeling about this now :(

I'm not a big fan of Ayu anymore but this does sadden me. She left a really big impact on my life.

She really should consider retiring after her 20th anniversary celebration...

Professionalism also means that you should take care of yourself in order to do your job well...

Its crazy how she's been doing all this aerobatic stuff while this was going on, I know her team probably follows her wishes but wtf, someone needs to step in.

This is just heartbreaking. Like, I just can't believe that there's going to be a day where she will no longer hear anything at all. Just knowing how important music is to her and that one constant joy in her life will soon be taken away from her. It's so unfortunate.

A friend just shared the jpopasia article about this with me, and I ran here to see if it was true. I don't know how I can cope with this... Ayu's music has tugged me along and help me become a stronger person, especially in the last 4-5 years... I can't imagine how to go on without her.

So sorry about her condition right now. She needs a break and focus more to her health.

I just happened to read TA this morning and this is the news I see :(

I'm honestly devastated. I can't imagine what Ayu's trying to deal with right now.

I feel she's being foolish for overdoing the concerts so much but I also know that Ayu will lose her sense of self if she can't sing. Maybe things are even worse than what she's telling us.....maybe her 20th anniversary will be her farewell and she wants to do as much she can in the time she has left?

With the dates extending to at least February (let's be real though it's probably going to be March/April for the final ones) I really feel like she might be winding up tours for good....her body can't possibly sustain this kinds of stress for another whole year as I'd imagine her 20th anniversary tour would ideally be even bigger that the pre-20th tour.

I haven't sent Ayu a letter on TA for a few months but I decided to send one today...I felt really emo about it and it's cheesy af but I ended it with "If ayu is the sun then the fans want to become the moon and send love and energy back to you. あゆちゃん守るために愛と力をあげます。" haha...

....the thought of ayu struggling against her body effectively giving out is just the saddest and loneliest thing I can imagine.

I didn't sign up for this back when I first listened to Ayu Trance 2 back in 2004 or listened to RAINBOW for the first time. Ayu isn't an evil person, she really just wants to be accepted and treasured so she constantly goes above and beyond...but for what end? She can't picture herself without music so I really worry about her future if she can't do the one thing she allows herself praise for doing...

This is heartbreaking... I know she likes to perform but I don't want her to run herself down. :(

Seeing all these "how time she has left" made me think that we are now in a sad japanese movie where the main role will die in then end and leave her dreams behind and her memories to hs , damn >.<

This almost made me cry :(

this is such sad news...Although I don't listen to Ayu songs she's still my favorite singer of all time!!

:(

So horribly sad. I kind of felt like this day would probably come but it's still shocking. I am so sad for her because I can't even imagine what kind of dark place she could be in right now.

I just think there are so many more options than she realizes. I'm really inspired by her "show must go on" spirit, but I feel like she's hurting herself. It's a choice she will make, but it still concerns me. Performing is such a big deal to her, but I feel like in life we are given obstacles that force us to take a new direction and it's like she just can't manage to do that, which I think is totally understandable. But, if she just eased off from the constant touring and the strain she puts on herself, she could find a compromise, I would think.

To me, her lyrics are so endearing. As sad as it would be, if she ever did have to retire from performing, at least, she could become a lyricist for other artists. There's still a place in the music world for her even if she has to make changes.

Anyway, that's kind of just me thinking out loud, I guess.

I hope she'll do just that.

I agree with the people who say that she is afraid now and wants to give as much performances as she is able to before she turns completely deaf.

But as much as I love her and her music and as much as I can't imagine my life without getting new songs or performances from her, I mostly want her to stay healthy. Although I do understand her sentiment that she can't live without making music and her fear of being useless should she ever stop with it, I think she needs to take better care of her body.

So I really hope that after her 20th anniversary she will at least take a longer break to see to her knee and ear. I have hearing problems myself lately, tinnitus and sudden hearing loss, and this is not fun at all. And as grave as her TA entry sounds, I really hope that her hearing will not give out so soon.

My heart goes out to you, Ayu. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid. We all respect you for whatever decisions you make, but please take it easy.

Last few years I lost interest in Ayu and her music, but this news... :( She should take care of herself! Fans will understand, they only want the best for her, right?

I still have to decide whether I think it's brave or foolish of her that she still wants to continue. I do admire her determination.

You can he brave and still make decisions that are not the best for your health. But as complex beings we have the ability to value different things in our lives. It is hard sometimes to understand the mental space someone is in when they are being faced with completely changing their lifestyle and losing one of their passions. Ayu has a lot more to her life that is periodically hinted at in interviews or just from reading in between the lines that I think we don't always think about. And thats because I tjink we don't always remember that she is a person with serious feelings. She is a rich celebrity. But her life contains a lot of loss similar to our own. I can't imagine the time she had after ending such a long relationship with Nagase and finding herself in a new space. And then still searching for love after that that still to this day hasn't lasted. That probably is really painful and hard for her but she doesn't show it. She's lost friends, she keeps going. I remember reading about her poor health and eating habits (such as starving herself for an image) from her early career. But she even clearly worked on that and today is probably as fit as ever. To be presented with losing the main parts of your 20 year career must suck especially when it's one thing that is constant for her.

I think saying her music is stale is an opinion and wouldn't change her mind at all. And taking a break does not mean she'll come back refreshed or make better music or have more ideas or save her career and improve sales. There are examples of artists who do that and come back with music their hardcore fans still dont like. There are also artists that come back and have music loved by fans but that doesnt sell well at all and even significantly worse than before they disappeared. People just forget about them.

Ayu shows a lot of her lifestyle efforts and she did a lot of strength training and seemed to eat better. Her body shows it with those muscles lol. I think she is trying to take care of herself while maintaining her career but it is proving to be difficult. I'm sure even when she makes determined statements, she'll still second guess herself which is good because these things are serious.

I really am worried about her mental health sometimes due to what she seems to go through in her life. And your state of mental health and general feelings and passions can inform decisions like this. I dont associate that with "stupidity."

This is such devastating news. Suddenly all I could hear is the song HAPPY ENDING playing. I just wish for her to be happy, and I thought she actually was for some time. This story feels like a bad end.

Actually, the knee surgery would explain why she may have gained some weight.

Well, the last sentence of HAPPY ENDING says...

"Well, I know better than anyone else
That a happy ending never suits me"

Such sad news. My heart goes out to her.

We know she prefers to bear the burden alone, but I hope she'll allow herself to lean on her team and friends more now.

I'll admit my initial reaction was "Rest more! Perform less!", but as others have already mentioned, we don't know the entire situation. Maybe her right ear is at the point where it'll worsen even if she does rest and she's trying to squeeze in as many performances as she can because of that. We don't know.

I feel guilty for being so harsh on her performances now, though. I don't watch her live performances anymore because her current performance style just doesn't do it for me, but she does put a tremendous amount blood, sweat and tears into them. I shouldn't forget that.

This must be so frustrating for her. I hope she'll be okay.

I am a horrible fan. I honestly hope that TA entry is just to get sympathy and attention from fans/non-fans.

News like this should be reported by a third party, nobody does it themselves.

On a side note, i hope she can leave avex and join a new label who can treat her sincerely with real thoughts and ideas instead of using the same old trick which doesn't surprise anyone anymore. We are the hardcore fans, we take whatever she offer.

as a human i would say, ayu - stop it and take care on yourself. But ayu is so self-driven and she does what she wants to do. when she says that the stage is the only place she can live, than she shouldnt give up that one thing which helps her the most. the sooner than later, she will have to face it.

get well soon ayu,

I am in such a shock right now. As somebody sadi, that explains a lot, her being off recently and maybe even the shorter tracklist for this tour is the reason for that. Also I think a lot of people judge the situation negatively because they think they have all details in terms of her medical history etc ^^ I know Ayu seemed to be pretty open about her life but in all honesty we may know 1% of her most private areas like health. I don't think like dwelling on "maybes" (maybe she has wanted to live to the fullest as the artist knowing her worsening condition?) cause now is now.

It is just a really sad moment. I have been a fan since 2006 and Ayu was my first musician I started following because the moment I heard her voice I felt that this was the person i can easily connect with on emotional level, even though I didn't understand lyrics then (that changed quickly). In the course of years I had no break in following her, the ancitipation for new songs, albums, music videos and tours especially was so intense and gave me a really positive energy. Also whenever I was in a bad moment in my life listening to Ayu's songs contributed largely to my piece of mind and not letting me rot in depression. I associate many of her songs with very specific memories, important ones, both very happy and very sad. Her lyrics ,even though the theme was often repeated, have always been such a powerful push for me. Not to mention her passion for work has always inspired me to do what i love. Yesterday I watched "Step by step" and oh gosh how relevant it is now:

"One more step, so that even if it becomes
The last step we’ll ever take, we won’t regret it
One more step, because our courage to step out
Holds more meaning than taking 100 steps"

I have so much respect to Ayu and even if she slows down very much in her music profession, I will always support her because what she has given me and many other people is priceless. Love her.

Serious question, do you think avex doesn't give ayu the freedom she wants? Her sales are as low as they've ever been, her image is poor after two divorces, her tours are ridiculously expensive and aren't sold out (when was the last time her tour completely sold out?)...

Ayu was the driving force behind supporting Max all those years ago. If avex was insincere in their support of her they would have scaled back their financial support

tbqh. I feel bad for her but she is acting like a stupid spoiled child and if any fan would be mad at her for not being there for some years or for any live concert in the future, he would be even more stupid.

She should take a long break like Utada - and if she can#t bear it, then just focus on recording for now or produce other artists or whatever.

There is a time when you gotta say stop, even if it is your most precious thing (and it actually happens to a lot of people doing sports - professionals or not)

I can't and I won't support her current decision.

I dont think ayu would ever leave max. She holds him very highly.
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and the whole fat thing, I think its mainly just her costumes and her height, she looks taller on DVD :P but shes actually quite short :P and with outfits especially with short skirts and broad shoulders, will make her look like that. It also usually means she has a second outfit underneath too.
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I think the main fact is ayu does not want to stop yet, maybe she feels if she stops, she may miss her chance to ever return. She could still do music and release stuff, which would be better on her ear, but her love seems to be more in her shows and her fans at the moment

I've just read the news... and something has really broken inside of me. I feel that an extremely important part of my life and myself is about to disappear forever.

I'm terribly sad for her and wish her strength to overcome all this darkness. Again.

Such a unique and strong-spirited person she is...

"Is this your beginning?
Is this your demise?
Have you given up?
Are you standing firm?
Have you become defiant?
Are you in despair?
Whatever they say, just move forward
That’s what you told me"

I became her fan in 2010 and have always thought her so strong for continuing her career with one deaf ear. Since then her music has helped me through many tough situations. Knowing she may become completely deaf makes me so sad. I hope no matter what she's able to continue in music as a songwriter or something at least since that's what she loves but I wish there was a way she could get better. Even though I want her to rest there isn't a guarantee she'll improve and it's ultimately her choice.

The main thing that hurts her knee and her hearing is the live shows. She doesn't need to quit music, she just needs to quit these crazy big concerts/tours.

I know exactly what it's like to have to quit your life's vocation because of a health problem. It happened to me. But guess what? Life goes on. You cry, feel depressed but then find a new goal and work for it.

In her post she implies "please let me keep performing!". Well... no one is stopping her. At all. People just want her to take it easy and scale down on the concerts. For her own good.

So many thoughts, I was thinking about Ayu's situation on my bus journey on the way home today.

At first, I didn't really know what to say because I didn't feel anything reading the initial news. I think because, in a way, I don't know what it means - I still have a lot of questions. It was only reading the official translation and everyone's reactions that it hit home.

I do think continuing with a 60 date tour is a mistake. Everyone would understand if she scaled it back. I remember once, a while back, someone mentioned on the forum that she should become a studio artist instead of touring and I think this would be a good idea. However back to when I was talking about "I don't know what it means". Is she continuing the tour because the clock is ticking regardless and she wants to perform as long as she can and have no regrets? Is the time scale for her going completely deaf longer? (10 years away?) Can she improve her condition by quitting live performances right now? Is her deafness more imminent?

Like Zeke mentioned, I can't help but think of the CNN interview where she says "Without music I am nothing, I die" or words to that effect.

I remember reading Arama's April's Fools story and - no offence to anyone who believed it - thinking "Pfftt, who is going to believe this? Ayu would NEVER retire!". I always imagined that she would continue releasing albums into her 50s and 60s like Seiko and Yuming. I can't really imagine coming here and not anticipating new music news and just talking about "the good old days".

I am maybe thinking too far ahead but I've no doubt that she would have a career as a lyricist ahead of her and that we would continue to get remix albums.

As a new year begins, I always tend to look forward to new albums by my favourite artists as some of them release a new one every year. I especially did this with Ayumi - getting through the year by looking forward to a new album release, followed by an arena tour, A Nation performance and CDL and all the stuff in-between such as covers and track lists being revealed. I enjoy reading everyone's reactions to new releases and checking what Ayu had posted on social media on a daily basis. It will be weird not to have that timetable.

I wonder now what the 20th anniversary will bring?

I also wanted to say that I totally understand everyone's views here.

As I stated before, and it is just my view on things, she is the only who knows what is right for her, but sentences like "I'll die without music" are just a bit theatric don't you think? Like dreamally mentioned, life goes on and no one ask her to quite. her condition may also don't get better by performing life, but it certainly won't worsen at fast as it does know. Performing and being on the road is like doing a high amount of sports everyday.

Even if she goes on now, there might be a high chance she can't even record anymore after this - and what is she left with? Exactly what she is fearing now only that she is choosing the completely wrong path. Can any of you really say "it maybe is her last chance to meet fans" with a clear mind and is that really what you think? I still think that what she is doing is crazily stupid to an extend I can't even put in words.

She just needs to shift her goals and that she is not capable of doing that really makes me question her mind again. She always seemed to reasonable and reliable to me in the past. That is all gone since a few years.

You can burn me at the stake and even though I am saddened by this news, to be honest I find it extremely sad that "someone's life would be over without music". Music can be a driving force but there are so many more important things than applause.

She wouldn't be able to perform forever anyway, and what's the point of that when you come back home and you're completely alone? The ending of Sweet Season PV always comes to my mind... Fans' love means nothing when at the end of the day you return to your empty house without a family of your own. Just my 2 cents... Artists who find a balance between career and private life are the happiest imo.