[08/01/05]TA ayu's writing No.205 えっと。。。
 

えっと。。。
No.205 2008年01月05日 (土) 1時13分

みんなからのメッセージの量がものすごいので、
またまたやって来ました。

う～んと、、、、、あのね、、、そうね。。。

私はいつだって、出来る限り、自分の言葉で自分の
想いを正直にみんなに伝え続けてきたつもり。
それは、みんなきっと解ってくれてると思うんだ。


うん。。。そう、信じてる。
だから、、、書くね。
愛する家族達やスタッフ達にも伝えずに、私の胸に
だけ秘めていた事を。。。

いや、、、厳密に言うと違うな。
ママ（ミカジョンの事ね）だけには言った。
左耳が聞こえなくなっている事。




病院に行こうと思ったのは、自分の耳に確実に異変が
おきてるのを感じたから。
それをイヤモニのせいにして、新しいのに作り変えたい
からなんて、周りの人達には言ったんだけどね。

正直、病院で先生から、治す術はない、手遅れだって言われた
時は、頭の中が真っ白になった。

ぶっちゃけ私は、心のどこかで、手術なりを受ける時間を
とりさえすれば、また聞こえるようになるんじゃないかって
思ってた。

でも、違った。

あの時の、先生の目は今でも覚えてる。
無念そうな、申し訳なさそうな。。。

だから、私は笑った。

なんでだか解らないけれど、笑って、ですよね～っ！
って言って笑った。
愛するスタッフ達に囲まれた、静まり返った病室のなかで。


でもね、この話を、お願いだから悲観的にとらえないで
欲しいんだ。

私はこの現実を受けとめた。

そして、絶望なんてしていないし、希望の光がさしてる
事を、どうか解って欲しい。

何故なら、みんなが私の左耳になってくれるって
言ってくれたじゃない。
もっともっと聞こえるように、叫んでくれるって
言ってくれたじゃない。

ね。

だから、私は残された右耳くんと共に、いくよ。
無理なんてしてない。
それが私にとっての幸せなの。

心配無用！！！！！！！！！！！

これからも、このまま走り続けて行くぜ～～～～～！！！
んでもって、一緒に走ろうぜ～～～～～～っ！！！！！！






あなたに夢を見せたい。
終わらなくて　消えなくて
そんな夢を見て欲しい。
それが僕の願いです。




ありがとう、みんな、みんな、みんな。。。
ありがとう、ママ。
ありがとう、


大好きなお姉ちゃん。




行くぜ十周年！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！


Rough translation:

Hmm..
There's a lot of replies coming from everyone.. and even till now it's still not stopping yet..
Hmm.. regarding that... yes..

No matter when i will always try my best, using my own language to express all my thoughts and feelings to everyone.. i guess everyone should be able to understand me.

Yea, this is how i believe it.
Therefore, i decided to write it.
This has been kept secret in my heart.. without even telling my family and staffs whom i love..

No. Strictly speaking it's not like this..
I had only told mama about this. (Her godmother)
Regarding the fact that my left ear had completely lost its function..

Wanted to go to the hospital because i truly felt some changes in my ears..
Although i kept telling those around me that it's due to some new changes in the earphone..
Honestly, when the doctor told me it's not treatable anymore,
that it's too late, my mind just went blank.

Funny that somewhere in my heart i thought that if i took some time out to do the operation, it will be cured.
But i was wrong.

I can still remember the firm look on the doctor's face..
A pitying, very sorry look.

Therefore, i laughed.
Even though i dunno why, but i continue to laugh.
I said this and i laughed.
I quietly returned to my ward, surrounded by my beloved staffs.
However, please do not view what i'm going to say next in a pessimistic way.

I had accepted the fact.
Furthermore i'm not feeling despaired, instead i saw the light of hope.
Hope everyone could understand.

Reason being, didn't all of u said u want to become my left ear?
Didn't everyone said that in order to let me hear it, you will cheer for me even louder?
Correct?
Thus, i have to more forward together with my right ear-san.
I'm not forcing myself.
Because to me that's a happy matter.

Pleae do not worry!!!!!!!!!!!

From today onwards i will continue to move forward like this~~~!!!!
Yes, let's move on together!!!!!
I want to show u the dream
it wouldn't end, wouldn't disappear..
I want you to have such a dream.
That is my wish.
Thanks everyone... all of u... all of u...
Thank you mama (godmother)
Thank you,
my most beloved sister (Note, should be referring to her recently passed away sister, Natsuki)

Let's walk together 10th anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

translated by babamon <--- THANKS~! =)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's my translation:
--------------------
Umm...
No.205 January 5th, 2008 (Saturday) 1:13am

The volume of messages from you all is amazing, I decided to post again.

"Mhmm" ... "Hey," ... "Yea..."

I have always, as much as I can, meant to keep honestly conveying my own feelings with my own words. I think you all definitely understand this.

Yes...right, I believe.
That's why...I write.
I write things I keep only in my heart, not even telling my beloved family members nor my staff.

Actually, no...strictly speaking, that's not true.
I only told Mama (I mean Mika John).
That my left ear cannot hear anymore.

I thought of going to the hospital because I felt distinctly that something strange happened to my ear.
I thought it was the earphone monitors and told the people around me I wanted to switch to new ones.

Honestly, when the doctor told me that there is no treatment and that it's too late, my mind went blank.
In my heart somewhere, I sincerely felt that if I just make the time necessary for surgery, my ear would be able to hear again.

But I was wrong.

I remember the doctor's eyes even now.
They looked regretful and apologetic.

So, I laughed.

I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.
Surrounded by my beloved staff inside the hospital room, everything returned to silence.

But, please, I don't want you to read this with pessimism.

I have accepted this reality.

And, I want you to understand somehow that I'm not despairing, but that the light of my hopes shines forth.

Because, you've told me that you will become my left ear.
You've told me that, so that I'll be able to hear more and more, you'll shout out for me.

Hey...

So, with my remaining right ear, I'm gonna do this.
I'm not at all straining myself.
To me, it's my happiness.

Worrying is useless!!!!!!!!!!!

From here on, I'm going to keeping running forward like this~~~~~!!!
But, let's keep running together~~~~~~!!!!!!

I want to show you my dreams.
Unending, unfading.
I want to show you that kind of dream.
That is my wish.

Thank you, everyone, everyone, everyone...
Thank you, Mama.
Thank you,

My beloved big sister.

Let's do it, 10th year anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


edit:
following line updated
They were regretful...as if to say I'm sorry there's nothing we can do...

edit2:
many thanks to masa for:
They looked regretful and apologetic.
I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.

...but could you please add the following to the end of my translation? Thank you~

Note, the following lines are from the lyrics of MY ALL:
I want to show you my dreams.
Unending, unfading.
I want to show you that kind of dream.
That is my wish.

-Nam


translated by HiruNokaze<----- thanks for another translation

Hm... new message. I'm quite curious about what she wrote.

chinese translation is in AYUCHINA.. but cannot copy and paste them because there are codes which are freaking annoying.. -__-lll

since there are peoples who knows how to read japanese here..
i'll just wait for them to translate it into english.. ha..

anyway my tears fall off after i read this article.. T_T

Hope someone translates soon..

OMG! Just say what she said in it, plz.

So, Any translation... *waits*

EXCITE. D: Apparently she didn't tell ANYONE about this before, and Mikajohn advised her to do so..

The babelfish is talking 80% gibberish to me... but I think it's a more in-depth explanation and a thank-you to the fans who supported her. But that she will go on, no matter what.

Go Ayu!!!

It seems like she was going to do an operation.. but..

Ahh I'm nervous now waiting for the translation. Poor Ayu-chan.

She's talking about how she felt about receiving the news and gives more in-depth detail about her actual doctor visit. Oh, and thanks her fan for all their support.

I don't understand a d*mn thing of that translation...

D: wow, um...I hate those online translators, they just make things so confusing...
Keep your head up and right ear protected Ayu-chan~

lol.. i'll try to translate it..X_X
but my english sucks...

...

Could this have been her "Secret?" O___O

I did some online translation too. Here's what I figured out:

Her fans sent her a load of messages. She didn't tell her family and staff. She only told MikaJohn. Seems she went to hospital too late to undergo surgery. She decided not to regret it and smile about it. Also she says she wants to keep her dream of being a singer. She thanks her mom and elder sister and seems pretty positive about it.

oh I love her soo much..

she really is amazing ..




.. (her life would make such a good movie)

I don't think she thanks her mom at all D:

Mommy is what she calls her mom, and Mikajohn is "Mama."

Then who's her elder sister?

Dunno. Perhaps Natsuki? O___O

Okay then :P

OMG. This is too sad...

She must be super close to this Mika girl to have only said it to her and not even her mother.

Don't worry about it!!!!!!!!!!! / Everything is under control!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll continue my 10th anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ayu has a sister... @___________________________________________@ that's new :laugh Anyone know her name or have picture of her?

She's an only child. She likes to refer to people as "like family members" and addresses them like such..

Maybe she is referring to her friend who passed? Or someone she considers like a sister to her who is unknown to us? :shrug

She doesn't have a sister.

It's common to call a friend sister. My friend sometime calls me onee-chan.

It's probably Natsuki. [untitled ~for her~ and GUILTY's inspiration]

I think after what happened, Ayu's a bit more cautious about what she does with her health, thus the checkup. But.... it was too late. So perhaps that's why she tells her "thanks."

Well they're like always together on ViVi Deji Diary. Anyway I think we should respect her choice and be happy with her choice. Obviously she's partly doing this for her fans so we should appreciate it and be positive.

Tis very sad. Poor Ayu ; ;

Yeah. ASFXX, you should know her. She's the lady who own PEACH JOHN and is the one who did the (m)u booklet photos. D:

And yeaaah. She posts really late. O_O The last post was from 4:55 am, and this one is 1am...

LMAO, you're not the only one!

but *sigh* poor ayu! She's a strong woman. we all love and support her!

ppffff... okay, that's a relief (cuz I once read in an interview that Ayu said she's only child so I now I was like "WTF?!")

so the "sister person" can also be a very very close friend?

Huh. I can never keep track of her "family members." Maybe that's a good thing, though. It shows I don't look into her personal life much. coughstalkercough

:D

Anyway, I think I feel bad. Well, I mean, I can sort of understand why she didn't tell anybody (especially her fans), because look at all the uproar it's caused.

I'm just proud of her for wanting to "regret it and smile about it," even though I'm sure she may feel a little down, knowing that she can't cure the profound hearing loss in her ear.

interesting, i've understood that we must stop worrying about her hearing, anyway no operation will help she will continue her Anniversary

LOL. I should? Well, I know she's the one that owns PEACH JOHN. But I've never noticed her in ViVi. I should check those again.

Yeah, a lot of people hold a grudge against her because she made (m)u's booklet suck. :X

She's always the oldish looking lady with the tiny eyes. :O

This is a depressing thread...
I really hope Ayu will continue for years! We love you Ayu!

I remember the thing about how she said that the fans are her ears and her voice when they aren't working too well for her.. SHE'S SO SWEET.

She has dark hair cut in a sort of long bob.

Oh Ayu.. dear dear strong Ayu..
We will be her ear and her voice when she needs us.. wont we?

Yeah, she's so sweet...
But I can't sing :roflmao

Ayu-chan ;____; :weep:eyes:scry

This is the translation i did at ayunite.. a very long translation.. took mi 30mins -_- my english isn't very good either... Translated directly from the chinese translation done by akane5749 + sara @ AC.. Hope u guys understand..

Rough translation:

Hmm..
There's a lot of replies coming from everyone.. and even till now it's still not stopping yet..
Hmm.. regarding that... yes..

No matter when i will always try my best, using my own language to express all my thoughts and feelings to everyone.. i guess everyone should be able to understand me.

Yea, this is how i believe it.
Therefore, i decided to write it.
This has been kept secret in my heart.. without even telling my family and staffs whom i love..

No. Strictly speaking it's not like this..
I had only told mama about this. (Her godmother)
Regarding the fact that my left ear had completely lost its function..

Wanted to go to the hospital because i truly felt some changes in my ears..
Although i kept telling those around me that it's due to some new changes in the earphone..
Honestly, when the doctor told me it's not treatable anymore,
that it's too late, my mind just went blank.

Funny that somewhere in my heart i thought that if i took some time out to do the operation, it will be cured.
But i was wrong.

I can still remember the firm look on the doctor's face..
A pitying, very sorry look.

Therefore, i laughed.
Even though i dunno why, but i continue to laugh.
I said this and i laughed.
I quietly returned to my ward, surrounded by my beloved staffs.
However, please do not view what i'm going to say next in a pessimistic way.

I had accepted the fact.
Furthermore i'm not feeling despaired, instead i saw the light of hope.
Hope everyone could understand.

Reason being, didn't all of u said u want to become my left ear?
Didn't everyone said that in order to let me hear it, you will cheer for me even louder?
Correct?
Thus, i have to more forward together with my right ear-san.
I'm not forcing myself.
Because to me that's a happy matter.

Please do not worry!!!!!!!!!!!

From today onwards i will continue to move forward like this~~~!!!!
Yes, let's move on together!!!!!
I want to show u the dream
it wouldn't end, wouldn't disappear..
I want you to have such a dream.
That is my wish.
Thanks everyone... all of u... all of u...
Thank you mama (godmother)
Thank you,
my most beloved sister (Note, should be referring to her recently passed away sister, Natsuki)

Let's walk together 10th anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To add the first part (REALLY rough translation, some parts I didn't quite get):
Because of the staggering amount of messages from everybody, I've come around once again.

Umm...Excuse me...well....
I am always, as well as I can, in my own words, plan on portraying my own frank feelings to everybody.
That is, I felt that everybody came to understand.

Um. So, I believe in that.
So, to write, huh.
I did not explain to my loved family members or staff, I only concealed. this matter in my heart.

No, strictly speaking, it's different.
I only told Mama (the Mika John thing).
I came to lose hearing in my left ear.

I thought I should go to the hospital, as I came to feel the accident to the reliability to my ear.
That is to fault the ear monitor, to somehow make a new one, the people around said.

Honestly, at the time when the hospital's sensei said it was too late to repair, my face turned pure white.

Speaking my mind and holding nothing back, somewhere in my core, as long as the time to have the correction, until I could here, why not I felt.

But, it was different.

I remember the sensei's eyes at that moment, even now.

Regretful and apologetic....

So, I smiled.

However without understanding, I smiled, yes! I smiled.
I surrounded myself with my loved staff, they fell silent in the hospital room.

But, this story, please I wish for you not to be pessimistic.

I've accepted the facts.

And...I do not feel frustrated. What I saw in front of me is the light of hope.
So I hope everyone will understand me.

The reason is...you guys said you all wanted to be my left ear?
And didn't you all say you will scream as loud as possible to make me hear you all?

So from now on, I'll keep on with my 'right ear' chan.
I'm not forcing myself, because it is part of my happiness.
---------------------------------

Ok, the translation posted just before this makes a lot more sense, and is more complete. :)

Thanks for the translation :)

Wow, that's emotional...
I hope Ayu won't give up her carreer! Cuz she's MY ALL! Ayu we love you!

Thank you babamon I really wanted to cry when I started to read this: "Reason being, didn't all of u said u want to become my left ear?..."

u_u

thank you for the translation we could understand.. you did well in your english!

Ayu still remembers stuff from 3 years ago, it seems.

masa posted this:
It seems that he has guessed correctly.

^Thank you babamon for the translation.
I am sad to know that there is nothing that can be done about her left ear-san...but I am happy that Ayu has such a positive attitude on the matter. This is why I love Ayu so much.:yes I will definitely be Ayu's ears and her voice~! :D Walk Proud Ayu-chan~

Ichigo.. i just edited the translation a little.. a few mistakes here and there.. hopefully u can update the latest one ^^;; sry.. busy translating den didn't realise some of the mistakes i made >_<

Thanks for translation!

wow, i feel so sad for ayu. i hope she stays strong. it's sad to see her like this. :(

it has been really heartbreaking to know about this...

i don't know what to say but all the best for you, ayu =/

no one will blame you for that.. hehe =P anyway i updated the latest one..
thanks for yr translation once again.. :)

OMG! :(

I love Ayumi Hamasaki. FOREVER. AMEN

Thank you for the translation and thank you to Ayu being so brave.

Here's my translation:
--------------------
Umm...
No.205 January 5th, 2008 (Saturday) 1:13am

The volume of messages from you all is amazing, I decided to post again.

"Mhmm" ... "Hey," ... "Yea..."

I have always, as much as I can, meant to keep honestly conveying my own feelings with my own words. I think you all definitely understand this.

Yes...right, I believe.
That's why...I write.
I write things I keep only in my heart, not even telling my beloved family members nor my staff.

Actually, no...strictly speaking, that's not true.
I only told Mama (I mean Mika John).
That my left ear cannot hear anymore.

I thought of going to the hospital because I felt distinctly that something strange happened to my ear.
I thought it was the earphone monitors and told the people around me I wanted to switch to new ones.

Honestly, when the doctor told me that there is no treatment and that it's too late, my mind went blank.
In my heart somewhere, I sincerely felt that if I just make the time necessary for surgery, my ear would be able to hear again.

But I was wrong.

I remember the doctor's eyes even now.
They looked regretful and apologetic.

So, I laughed.

I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.
Surrounded by my beloved staff inside the hospital room, everything returned to silence.

But, please, I don't want you to read this with pessimism.

I have accepted this reality.

And, I want you to understand somehow that I'm not despairing, but that the light of my hopes shines forth.

Because, you've told me that you will become my left ear.
You've told me that, so that I'll be able to hear more and more, you'll shout out for me.

Hey...

So, with my remaining right ear, I'm gonna do this.
I'm not at all straining myself.
To me, it's my happiness.

Worrying is useless!!!!!!!!!!!

From here on, I'm going to keeping running forward like this~~~~~!!!
But, let's keep running together~~~~~~!!!!!!

I want to show you my dreams.
Unending, unfading.
I want to show you that kind of dream.
That is my wish.

Thank you, everyone, everyone, everyone...
Thank you, Mama.
Thank you,

My beloved big sister.

Let's do it, 10th year anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


edit:
following line updated
They were regretful...as if to say I'm sorry there's nothing we can do...

edit2:
many thanks to masa for:
They looked regretful and apologetic.
I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.

i just have to say that "IM PROUD TO BE AYUMI HAMASAKI'S FAN~!!
PROUD OF YOU AYUMI~!!!!!

:shughug

We all are proud of that!

If only there was a way for our messages to get to Ayu. We need a TeamAyu account.

^That sucks though,

She seems to have accepted it so easily. Maybe inside she always knew that this would happen. Man, it has not been an easy year for ayu :(

Still if she can go on singing with a smile then we can go on listening faithfully and cheering so she can hear us in her heart

first of all thanks for the traslation...

My... Ayu is so strong, I stared to cry, but if she want that we be strong I'll be strong for her... don't matter why...

like Ayu wisely says "LET'S WALK TOGETHER 10th ANNIVERSARY!"

I'll make everything she want T.T

Wonder if there's way we can organize something like sending it to Ayu through avex. A lot of artists have mailing addresses at avex.

I just can't help myself, I would like to send her some kind of message... a message from all of us... just to let her know that we ARE going to be her left ear.

We will always cheer for you, we will cheer louder than ever, we are your left ear:)

A group of us at an AAA forum sent a scrapbook with a message and picture from each of us too them. Maybe we could do something like that

I think I'm gonna cheer when I read 2ch threads about the lives.. XD

WE NEED DO SOMETHING BIG!!!
for our Ayu... she need too know that we love her and want the best for her...

Someone know how to make a request to AVEX?

Yeah that would be nice. I think BoAjjang did something similar.

GANBATTE AYU-SAMA! ^^

I think that HiruNoKaze translated the text pretty well. But I'd like to correct two lines as below.

Regretfully, he said I'm sorry, there's way no way...
--> They looked regretful and apologetic.

Still laughing, I said, "I have no idea why, but I'm laughing!"
--> I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.

Someone who knows how to write/speak Japanese? Or better; someone who lives in Japan :shrug

OMG LET'S BUY HER A CUSTOM RING OR SOMETHING. DBSK's fans did that and they wore the rings afterwards.. :D

It could be like our contribution to Ayu's image :D

masa lives in Japan.

I'm so glad she wrote this, I'm glad she's as optimistic as always.

It'd be really cool if we could send some kind of message to her.

I'm sad cause Ayumi doesn't see our messages of support!
What we need to get a teamayu account?

Yeahh! We need to do something.
This is really sad news, and I am proud to be her fan.

I LOVE YOU AYU!! <333

firts of all... live in japan ¬¬
mmm... some money XD

I think that all :no

Money and a Japanese address.

Thank you masa! :D

okay, now it's my turn :laugh
*empty mind tries to think of something*.

AYU I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOUR MUSIC!

Man, there's still something I wanna say but I dunno how to express it :irked

Would be a pretty cool idea.

I could do that I think my japanese friend would help me but I don't have 6000 yen at the moment^^' I thought someone had a TA account O_O here?

yeah maybe the "rings" idea was good... but we are not livin' only in jp... we live in many places were Avex never look :no so even if we get some of that things they never saw :(

My heart is breaking.

Ayu, your songs have been and always will be the music of my life.

OMG!!!! I'm driving CREAZY!!!! i'm so so so sorry for Ayu-chan and i want to tell her how i feel about it, how we all feel about it! .....still crying.....

Thanks for sharing. What a moving message... Poor ayu.

good message!


AYU don't care how far of you we stay we'll support you everery way!!!

WE LOVE U! AND DON'T MATTER WHAT HAPPENED WE WILL BE WITH YOU!

"with the destruction comes the creation"

GO AYU! I'm proud of you always!

Thank you...

And nicely said!
I wanna hug Ayu!

wow
this message is...I have no words for it..
sad but there is so much hope from her in those lines and she is so positive
I admire her way of viewing things and be so strong

I am proud to be her fan!
We are proud to be A-fan!
and no matter what will happen, I'll be there and we'll be there to support Ayu


Ayu we love you and no matter what, we'll support you!!!!!

YEAAAHHHH ME TOOO!!!! she's the BEST!!!!!

I'm really proud of Ayu.
She's so brave!

We love her. We'll follow her because she is the best singer! Because she's our dream^^

No Ayu. No Life.

:X

I'm soo happy to see that ayu, hasn't giving up on herself, or her fans who care about her soo much ^^ I really wish there was something we all could do to help her,but it seems that the only thing we can do is support her by still being one of her many fans and by listening to her AMAZING music.... I WISH HER ALL THE BEST, AND I'M SOOO PROUD TO BE AN AYUMI HAMASAKI FAN!!!!