[tenshi no hane]

Another KODA REKI part, the year 2001 this time:

Spoiler:

2001年

Pained by the gap between her dreams and reality, she put on a lot of weight!!
Everything is going wrong…

The start of her “winter years”

Directly after my debut the famous “Koda Kumi Weight Increase” incident occurred (laughs).

I weighed 45kg at my debut but I gained 8kg in less than a year!! I had been dieting furiously to achieve my dream, but when I finally debuted I carelessly thought “it’s okay now.” Letting my guard down was my biggest mistake (laughs)

Until now I’ve made it sound like everything was fun and games, but… to tell the truth, I did feel stressed and worried too.

The company spent money on me and promoted me, but my debut song didn’t become a hit and neither did any of the following singles. I felt guilty for not being able to meet my staff’s expectations. I felt so pathetic for nothing being able to get any results… And as if to add insult to injury, I had to go across the country and sing in clubs for promotion purposes. I’m grateful for that opportunity now because the experience helped me grow as an artist, but at the time it was really tough on me. I couldn’t adjust to living at night either.

Reality was nowhere near the “ideal” I had painted for myself. I was still young and eating became an outlet for my stress and worries.

At the company someone called me “one of avex’s three fatties” and it felt like people told me “lose weight, lose weight” every single day… “I want my songs to reach everyone” “I want to sing songs that’ll move lots of people”; I had those thoughts since I was little, but the stage I stood on in those clubs hardly reached anyone. There were hardly any listeners…
But every time when the thought “this isn’t how things are supposed to be” was about to break my heart, the few fans who came to see me and wrote me fan letters would support me.
----Even if it’s a small number, my songs are definitely reaching someone----
That small piece of hope supported me at that time and gave me confidence.

I often shock people by doing something unexpected, but actually, I’m quite negative. But I have always been bad at showing my sadness. I still am. I always try to be the “always positive Koda Kumi” in front of everyone. Though it doesn’t work sometimes (laughs).

If I give in to my negative feelings,
My heart will hit rock bottom.
That’s why, when I feel like I’m about to give in
I switch my negativity with positivity!!
It’s a technique I learned back then.

When it seemed like I could no longer put up with my fat self, I would sing “Jennifer Lopez~♪” to myself as I applied my make-up and I would tell myself “you’re pretty!!” in the mirror before heading on stage (laughs).

At times when I felt like giving up on my dream,
I would always tell myself:
“My dream will definitely come true!!”
“As long as I don’t give up, it will come true someday!!”

If you keep repeating positive words, your negative feelings will mysteriously turn positive!! As proof: my staff even threatened to turn the PV of COLOR OF SOUL into an anime if I didn’t lose weight, but I honestly still believed “I’m not that fat, am I?” (laughter)