[08/01/05]TA ayu's writing No.205 えっと。。。

[Ichigo1010]

えっと。。。
No.205 2008年01月05日 (土) 1時13分

みんなからのメッセージの量がものすごいので、
またまたやって来ました。

う～んと、、、、、あのね、、、そうね。。。

私はいつだって、出来る限り、自分の言葉で自分の
想いを正直にみんなに伝え続けてきたつもり。
それは、みんなきっと解ってくれてると思うんだ。


うん。。。そう、信じてる。
だから、、、書くね。
愛する家族達やスタッフ達にも伝えずに、私の胸に
だけ秘めていた事を。。。

いや、、、厳密に言うと違うな。
ママ（ミカジョンの事ね）だけには言った。
左耳が聞こえなくなっている事。




病院に行こうと思ったのは、自分の耳に確実に異変が
おきてるのを感じたから。
それをイヤモニのせいにして、新しいのに作り変えたい
からなんて、周りの人達には言ったんだけどね。

正直、病院で先生から、治す術はない、手遅れだって言われた
時は、頭の中が真っ白になった。

ぶっちゃけ私は、心のどこかで、手術なりを受ける時間を
とりさえすれば、また聞こえるようになるんじゃないかって
思ってた。

でも、違った。

あの時の、先生の目は今でも覚えてる。
無念そうな、申し訳なさそうな。。。

だから、私は笑った。

なんでだか解らないけれど、笑って、ですよね～っ！
って言って笑った。
愛するスタッフ達に囲まれた、静まり返った病室のなかで。


でもね、この話を、お願いだから悲観的にとらえないで
欲しいんだ。

私はこの現実を受けとめた。

そして、絶望なんてしていないし、希望の光がさしてる
事を、どうか解って欲しい。

何故なら、みんなが私の左耳になってくれるって
言ってくれたじゃない。
もっともっと聞こえるように、叫んでくれるって
言ってくれたじゃない。

ね。

だから、私は残された右耳くんと共に、いくよ。
無理なんてしてない。
それが私にとっての幸せなの。

心配無用！！！！！！！！！！！

これからも、このまま走り続けて行くぜ～～～～～！！！
んでもって、一緒に走ろうぜ～～～～～～っ！！！！！！






あなたに夢を見せたい。
終わらなくて　消えなくて
そんな夢を見て欲しい。
それが僕の願いです。




ありがとう、みんな、みんな、みんな。。。
ありがとう、ママ。
ありがとう、


大好きなお姉ちゃん。




行くぜ十周年！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！


Rough translation:

Hmm..
There's a lot of replies coming from everyone.. and even till now it's still not stopping yet..
Hmm.. regarding that... yes..

No matter when i will always try my best, using my own language to express all my thoughts and feelings to everyone.. i guess everyone should be able to understand me.

Yea, this is how i believe it.
Therefore, i decided to write it.
This has been kept secret in my heart.. without even telling my family and staffs whom i love..

No. Strictly speaking it's not like this..
I had only told mama about this. (Her godmother)
Regarding the fact that my left ear had completely lost its function..

Wanted to go to the hospital because i truly felt some changes in my ears..
Although i kept telling those around me that it's due to some new changes in the earphone..
Honestly, when the doctor told me it's not treatable anymore,
that it's too late, my mind just went blank.

Funny that somewhere in my heart i thought that if i took some time out to do the operation, it will be cured.
But i was wrong.

I can still remember the firm look on the doctor's face..
A pitying, very sorry look.

Therefore, i laughed.
Even though i dunno why, but i continue to laugh.
I said this and i laughed.
I quietly returned to my ward, surrounded by my beloved staffs.
However, please do not view what i'm going to say next in a pessimistic way.

I had accepted the fact.
Furthermore i'm not feeling despaired, instead i saw the light of hope.
Hope everyone could understand.

Reason being, didn't all of u said u want to become my left ear?
Didn't everyone said that in order to let me hear it, you will cheer for me even louder?
Correct?
Thus, i have to more forward together with my right ear-san.
I'm not forcing myself.
Because to me that's a happy matter.

Pleae do not worry!!!!!!!!!!!

From today onwards i will continue to move forward like this~~~!!!!
Yes, let's move on together!!!!!
I want to show u the dream
it wouldn't end, wouldn't disappear..
I want you to have such a dream.
That is my wish.
Thanks everyone... all of u... all of u...
Thank you mama (godmother)
Thank you,
my most beloved sister (Note, should be referring to her recently passed away sister, Natsuki)

Let's walk together 10th anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

translated by babamon <--- THANKS~! =)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's my translation:
--------------------
Umm...
No.205 January 5th, 2008 (Saturday) 1:13am

The volume of messages from you all is amazing, I decided to post again.

"Mhmm" ... "Hey," ... "Yea..."

I have always, as much as I can, meant to keep honestly conveying my own feelings with my own words. I think you all definitely understand this.

Yes...right, I believe.
That's why...I write.
I write things I keep only in my heart, not even telling my beloved family members nor my staff.

Actually, no...strictly speaking, that's not true.
I only told Mama (I mean Mika John).
That my left ear cannot hear anymore.

I thought of going to the hospital because I felt distinctly that something strange happened to my ear.
I thought it was the earphone monitors and told the people around me I wanted to switch to new ones.

Honestly, when the doctor told me that there is no treatment and that it's too late, my mind went blank.
In my heart somewhere, I sincerely felt that if I just make the time necessary for surgery, my ear would be able to hear again.

But I was wrong.

I remember the doctor's eyes even now.
They looked regretful and apologetic.

So, I laughed.

I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.
Surrounded by my beloved staff inside the hospital room, everything returned to silence.

But, please, I don't want you to read this with pessimism.

I have accepted this reality.

And, I want you to understand somehow that I'm not despairing, but that the light of my hopes shines forth.

Because, you've told me that you will become my left ear.
You've told me that, so that I'll be able to hear more and more, you'll shout out for me.

Hey...

So, with my remaining right ear, I'm gonna do this.
I'm not at all straining myself.
To me, it's my happiness.

Worrying is useless!!!!!!!!!!!

From here on, I'm going to keeping running forward like this~~~~~!!!
But, let's keep running together~~~~~~!!!!!!

I want to show you my dreams.
Unending, unfading.
I want to show you that kind of dream.
That is my wish.

Thank you, everyone, everyone, everyone...
Thank you, Mama.
Thank you,

My beloved big sister.

Let's do it, 10th year anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


edit:
following line updated
They were regretful...as if to say I'm sorry there's nothing we can do...

edit2:
many thanks to masa for:
They looked regretful and apologetic.
I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.

...but could you please add the following to the end of my translation? Thank you~

Note, the following lines are from the lyrics of MY ALL:
I want to show you my dreams.
Unending, unfading.
I want to show you that kind of dream.
That is my wish.

-Nam


translated by HiruNokaze<----- thanks for another translation

[babamon]

This is the translation i did at ayunite.. a very long translation.. took mi 30mins -_- my english isn't very good either... Translated directly from the chinese translation done by akane5749 + sara @ AC.. Hope u guys understand..

Rough translation:

Hmm..
There's a lot of replies coming from everyone.. and even till now it's still not stopping yet..
Hmm.. regarding that... yes..

No matter when i will always try my best, using my own language to express all my thoughts and feelings to everyone.. i guess everyone should be able to understand me.

Yea, this is how i believe it.
Therefore, i decided to write it.
This has been kept secret in my heart.. without even telling my family and staffs whom i love..

No. Strictly speaking it's not like this..
I had only told mama about this. (Her godmother)
Regarding the fact that my left ear had completely lost its function..

Wanted to go to the hospital because i truly felt some changes in my ears..
Although i kept telling those around me that it's due to some new changes in the earphone..
Honestly, when the doctor told me it's not treatable anymore,
that it's too late, my mind just went blank.

Funny that somewhere in my heart i thought that if i took some time out to do the operation, it will be cured.
But i was wrong.

I can still remember the firm look on the doctor's face..
A pitying, very sorry look.

Therefore, i laughed.
Even though i dunno why, but i continue to laugh.
I said this and i laughed.
I quietly returned to my ward, surrounded by my beloved staffs.
However, please do not view what i'm going to say next in a pessimistic way.

I had accepted the fact.
Furthermore i'm not feeling despaired, instead i saw the light of hope.
Hope everyone could understand.

Reason being, didn't all of u said u want to become my left ear?
Didn't everyone said that in order to let me hear it, you will cheer for me even louder?
Correct?
Thus, i have to more forward together with my right ear-san.
I'm not forcing myself.
Because to me that's a happy matter.

Please do not worry!!!!!!!!!!!

From today onwards i will continue to move forward like this~~~!!!!
Yes, let's move on together!!!!!
I want to show u the dream
it wouldn't end, wouldn't disappear..
I want you to have such a dream.
That is my wish.
Thanks everyone... all of u... all of u...
Thank you mama (godmother)
Thank you,
my most beloved sister (Note, should be referring to her recently passed away sister, Natsuki)

Let's walk together 10th anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HiruNoKaze]

Here's my translation:
--------------------
Umm...
No.205 January 5th, 2008 (Saturday) 1:13am

The volume of messages from you all is amazing, I decided to post again.

"Mhmm" ... "Hey," ... "Yea..."

I have always, as much as I can, meant to keep honestly conveying my own feelings with my own words. I think you all definitely understand this.

Yes...right, I believe.
That's why...I write.
I write things I keep only in my heart, not even telling my beloved family members nor my staff.

Actually, no...strictly speaking, that's not true.
I only told Mama (I mean Mika John).
That my left ear cannot hear anymore.

I thought of going to the hospital because I felt distinctly that something strange happened to my ear.
I thought it was the earphone monitors and told the people around me I wanted to switch to new ones.

Honestly, when the doctor told me that there is no treatment and that it's too late, my mind went blank.
In my heart somewhere, I sincerely felt that if I just make the time necessary for surgery, my ear would be able to hear again.

But I was wrong.

I remember the doctor's eyes even now.
They looked regretful and apologetic.

So, I laughed.

I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.
Surrounded by my beloved staff inside the hospital room, everything returned to silence.

But, please, I don't want you to read this with pessimism.

I have accepted this reality.

And, I want you to understand somehow that I'm not despairing, but that the light of my hopes shines forth.

Because, you've told me that you will become my left ear.
You've told me that, so that I'll be able to hear more and more, you'll shout out for me.

Hey...

So, with my remaining right ear, I'm gonna do this.
I'm not at all straining myself.
To me, it's my happiness.

Worrying is useless!!!!!!!!!!!

From here on, I'm going to keeping running forward like this~~~~~!!!
But, let's keep running together~~~~~~!!!!!!

I want to show you my dreams.
Unending, unfading.
I want to show you that kind of dream.
That is my wish.

Thank you, everyone, everyone, everyone...
Thank you, Mama.
Thank you,

My beloved big sister.

Let's do it, 10th year anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


edit:
following line updated
They were regretful...as if to say I'm sorry there's nothing we can do...

edit2:
many thanks to masa for:
They looked regretful and apologetic.
I didn't know why, but I said "I thought so", and laughed.