[Translation] [Interview] Numéro Tokyo (September 2015)

[tenshi no hane]

I translated her latest interview~ She talks about happiness, running away to LA and going back to Japan, Midnight Circus, A ONE and sixxxxxx. (read on tumblr)

Her countrywide arena tour Midnight Circus has closed its curtains — The stage was a true masterpiece as it unfolded dramatically, true to its keyword “circus”. […] But what left the biggest impression was the dazzling light she emits — […] I wonder just how much time and experience is required to be able to shine like that?

Being in love or becoming a mother — People often say women shine brighter when they’re fully enjoying female happiness. If happiness equals brilliance, does this mean happiness lies on stage for you?

I think so. In the first place, I think my happiness in my private life and my happiness as the artist Ayumi Hamasaki are different things. As an artist, I have to constantly make choices and I have to pull the wagon. I want to protect my team and I have to watch over them — In that sense, part of me constantly has to steel herself as “having to be the absolute figure.” Happiness is the moment I feel I’ve accomplished that “role” perfectly. On the flip side, the moment when I can’t feel that way is the absolute worst and makes me want to curse myself. In contrast, I’m not someone who pulls the wagon in my private life. I’m a different person from my work self in a sense. But that’s why it manages to work, I think.

What are you like in your private life?

For example, I seem the youngest even when I’m around people younger than me. How to put it? When I’m not working, people poke at me to do things properly, I guess. It’s always been like that. Being able to be like that in my private life is a comfortable happiness.

I know (laughs). We casually joked “You look like an adult!” during the photoshoot.

Uhuh. Like, “I really am an adult, though?” (laughs). Maybe those around me naturally become like that because I’m completely relaxed and scatterbrained when I’m not working.

What do you think about “happiness as a woman”?

To be honest, I’ve probably never thought about things while categorizing myself as a woman. I’ve already got my hands full with my work self and my private self.

But haven’t you also been searching for answers by living in LA and trying to separate your work and private life these past few years? Was it an attempt to figure out what different happiness you could find?

I did, didn’t I? (laughs) Now I wonder if I was worked up over nothing. I simply didn’t want to be told “I told you so!” although I really had realized “This just makes working harder. This is wrong.” I simply said “LA is fun!” and pulled a face as if “This is the best choice for me right now.” (laughs)

Ahaha. You admit it, huh. There are times we want to turn back but can’t, right?

The way I tend to do things to the extreme makes it hard to change course. Like, “it’s turned into such a big thing now and I’ve already said I would” — It happens often, to be honest. I’d earnestly choose “I’m like this right now. I want to face this way” and execute those choices but then realize “Huh? Was I wrong?” afterwards.

Everybody has things they won’t know unless they’ve tried them. Happiness has a different form for everybody. And the things we desire change when our surroundings change —

I can be a contrary person. The more the people around me tell I shouldn’t do something, the more I want to determine if that’s really true. I’ll probably continue to do so (laughs). The way I’ve always done the things I’ve wanted to do also made me fail many times, but I haven’t lost my spirit yet. If people could actually stop me, then my ways would’ve changed a long time ago (laughs).

All your experiences have turned into songs, right? Your April album A ONE contained many songs reminiscent of the old live-for-the-moment Ayumi Hamasaki. In the end, changes won’t occur if we don’t continue walking with our own two feet. We stop once we feel satisfied.

I agree. How to say? I think being a slave of music takes precedence in my current life. I can’t sacrifice my music for my personal sake. But I can do the opposite.

When did you first feel like that?

I thought I would quit in 2-3 years when I first debuted. I don’t know when I first knew “I can’t turn back anymore.”

But - although you had decided this is your life - you still searched for a way to let your private life and work life coexist by moving to LA, didn’t you?

To be honest, it’s more fair to say “I ran away” rather than “searched”.

Ran from what? From “Ayumi Hamasaki”?

Maybe. I feel like I was trying to run away from the biggest slipup in my life. “I’ve done something horrible” — I couldn’t shake that feeling. And when I felt it would continue to shadow me my entire life, I just felt so pathethic. I could no longer stay in Japan. I felt “nothing makes sense no matter what I sing” when making music. I couldn’t write lyrics, having lost all convincibility towards myself. I wondered “What am I living for if I can’t make music?” I was suffocated and scared. I think running away from those things started it all.

I see.

I’ve slipped up many times. I’d feel depressed but crawl back up every time. But this time, only this time, I couldn’t fix myself. I had no excuses and I couldn’t shrug things off either. I think I wanted to reset somehow. I felt I could run away a little from the Ayumi Hamasaki who had done such a stupid thing by leaving Japan. But, in the end, I realized things aren’t that easy. I started living somewhere new, got a new partner and worked in the creatively blessed environment of LA. Gaining new inspiration from those things, I continued making my music. But it constantly felt like something was out of place. I decided to go back to Japan in order to figure out what was out of place —

You couldn’t be truly happy if you weren’t a slave to your music like when you were in Japan. You realized that is the most important thing to you?

That’s true. I feel I managed to express such a conviction in this year’s Midnight Circus tour. The decision “I won’t run away from here again. I’ll stay here forever.” From the moment I started creating Midnight Circus during last year’s Countdown Live, I plunged forward with Midnight Circus without any hesitation. I felt I had returned my former self. I could decide everything quickly. I hadn’t felt like that in a long time.

I heard the setting of Midnight Circus was ‘no one lives on stage’. Why did you decide on such a theme?

Even if you’re tied down by fate, even if people tell you it’s impossible, even if they laugh at you — I wanted the stage to have the strength to blow all those things away. That’s why.

Was that message also directed at yourself?

Yes. I think my time in LA cleansed me to the point I could feel like that. I think those days were necessary to me. I may had started hating music if I had stayed in Japan that way. I may had given up on myself.

She stated she wanted to separate her private life and her work. She looked as if she enjoyed her life in LA. But we’ve heard the truth behind those words — Knowing her work and career, it’s not difficult to understand why she couldn’t speak the truth clearly.

When you started your tour, there were rumors you might retire afterwards among your fans, right?

There were. Having the longest setlist ever and the choice of songs made them feel like I had decided something for myself, I wonder.

It might also be because you smiled serenly, like “I’ll have no regrets if it ends now”, after each performance.

The people who watched Midnight Circus are the people who didn’t toss me aside when I was running away — When I returned to Japan, I felt “Let’s do everything I can do now. Let’s even do the things I can’t do. It might not work, but I’ll try anyway!” It wasn’t to survive in this world, but because I wanted to stand on even ground like before with the fans who had waited for me. I had to work hard to make that happen. If I didn’t, I would’ve forever felt “I’m sorry”. I’ve also decided to hold my first fanclub-only tour in 12 years this autumn, hoping “Please let me see as many of you as possible” — I was running away but I’ve opened my eyes. I’ve gone back to my fans’ side. That’s my home. That’s my happiness in my current life. I haven’t thrown away my private happiness but fulfilling my happiness as the artist Ayumi Hamasaki definitely weighs heavier on the scale. That’s the way I’ll live my life this time. As long as my body will continue to move, as long as my voice will last —

You’ll release your new mini-album sixxxxxx in September. How did it evolve from your previous A ONE which was considered a return to your roots?

I think it’s even more classic J-POP than A ONE and it’s closer to A Song for XX. That’s because, when I calmly looked back at the lyrics, I thought “I’m still looking for a place to belong, I'm still searching for love, I still think there’s hope somewhere”.

A ONE also had such parts, right?

A ONE was a bit more individual. In sixxxxxx the implication “myself” versus “someone else” is strong, I think.

Taking another look at yourself and then also looking outwards again… that kind of flow?

That might be true. Maybe, redoing everything again? I’m rebuilding everything after having experienced going full circle once: having craved and lost things, having experienced various failures and lessons, having selected what I need and having weeded out what I don’t need. If the happiness of a typical household is the symbol of overflowing love and happiness, making music and performances from the ground up fulfills those things in my case. Just like a mother doesn’t think spending time with her child is a sacrifice, I can feel the happiness of life and the warmth of another person through music. I said I’m a “slave of music”, but I’m one because I want to be one. I want to cherish those things in my life. That’s how I honestly feel.

She fulfills her role and life as the artist Ayumi Hamasaki. That determination is the greatest source of her brilliance. The new steps she’ll take from now on will paint over her fleeing past. Surely, blindingly so.

Japanese interview by Takako Tsuriya. Translation by me.

[ayu_ready?]

thanks!
great interview

the best part for me is

but I haven’t lost my spirit yet

[Uknow!]

Thank you. I haven't words to describe how much I love your work (and the work of other users).

An inspiring interview like all. I always enjoy reading them.

[truehappiness]

Thanks as always!

I'm curious about just what she felt she was running away from. It seemed like it was a year or two of running tbh.

You can definitely see that she's starting over in her work atm.

[BabyJane]

Really intersting to read. Thank you for your hard work of translating this interview!

[rainbow_smile]

Thank you so much for the translation, it was really fast! I enjoyed this interview.

I really wonder what the great "slipup" was though. Party queen? Maro? LOVE again?

[Surreal17]

Very interesting article! Thanks!
I really appreciate that she explained why sixxxxxx sounds kinda dated. That.s because she.s starting over. Now I can relate to it more. Surprisingly, Step by step grew on me since days ago. Especially for its lyrics.

[truehappiness]

Originally Posted by rainbow_smile

Thank you so much for the translation, it was really fast! I enjoyed this interview.

I really wonder what the great "slipup" was though. Party queen? Maro? LOVE again?

I think it was probably Maro. I can't think of anything else around that time she would have been as ashamed of.

[Yoake]

You were fast tenshi. Thanks for you job!

Really nice interview as always.

but I’m one because I want to be one.

So the meaning of A ONE is really AS ONE.

I continued making my music. But it constantly felt like something was out of place.

Yep Ayu, Colours wasn't an Ayu album. You soul is missing in a lot of songs. However it was maybe a prerequisite to find herself again ans give us the wonderful A ONE and sixxxxxx

[rainbow_smile]

Originally Posted by Yoake

So the meaning of A ONE is really AS ONE.

I don't think this quote relates to the A ONE title. "One" in this case refers to "slave" earlier in the same sentence. (so, she's basically saying "I'm a slave because I want to be a slave") And I think it's quite likely that it was just translated this way and the original quote in Japanese doesn't say "one" explicitly.

[Gustavopc]

Thanks a lot for the translation, tenshi! This was a really deep and beautiful interview, it surely adds something to her latest releases... And probably will add a lot to sixxxxxx, there are even some parts that reminds me of SbS lyrics. It's great to see ayu is managing to rebuild her life and feels secure about it.

I could relate a bit to this feeling of running away sometimes in ny life (only I didn't have the actual money to go and run away lol). And man, she's really honest about "running away" and not faking her intentions. Gosh, I love this woman.

[Miduhyo]

Gosh, thank you so much for the interview translation! I always love reading these things and getting a deeper sense of self from Ayu. She's so open and I love how she said "I felt “Let’s do everything I can do now. Let’s even do the things I can’t do. It might not work, but I’ll try anyway!”" I want to have that type of determination and when I read that I was like 'Yeah! Let's try!' It got me so pumped up.

I know her lyrics always connect to her feelings and what she wants to say, but those can be so repetitive at times. It's always nice to hear/read a heart-to-heart without all the same words/same lyrics. I don't care how long Ayu does music, I'll always be a fan just because of the person she is. This interview reminded me of that.

[Chibi-Chan]

Thank you so much for the translation, it was truly an interesting read and I really like Ayu thougths here.

[Ryusei]

Thanks so much for translating! Didn't expect to see a translation so quickly!

Meanwhile all girls channel can do is say the same shizz as always..
http://girlschannel.net/topics/430322/ if anyone wants to read that... (so many threads about her lately...)

[Surreal17]

omg, all those unflattering pics on that stupid page x.x

[Aderianu]

The more the people around me tell I shouldn’t do something, the more I want to determine if that’s really true.

Don't do world tour, ayu! You'll fail!

[rainbow_smile]

Originally Posted by Aderianu

Don't do world tour, ayu! You'll fail!

Where's the like button? XD

[Linza-mo]

Thank you so much for this translation, it's very interesting!

[YukiUsagi]

Thank you!!!

Originally Posted by Aderianu

Don't do world tour, ayu! You'll fail!

+1000

[Ryusei]

Originally Posted by Surreal17

omg, all those unflattering pics on that stupid page x.x

true -__- but hey at least this came up http://up.gc-img.net/post_img_web/20...921cc_4875.gif XD I LOLed when I saw it again (sorry for being OT ugh..)