[Translation] Latest TA post [19th May 2017] - Health and ear condition

AyuGAME · #1 20th May 2017, 04:43 AM

I know that Ayu just post this on TA, but I feel that everyone need to know about this. Not just her fans but everyone need to know how strong and dedicated she is.

Official English translation shared by truehappiness

Quote:

Dear TA(^_－)－☆

I'd like to talk about some things Tsuriko mentioned in her report on the tour website. She had to choose her words carefully as it's a public site, but here I can be more direct.

At the end of last year, my kneecap finally gave out after 6 years of problems. I decided to have it operated on as soon as the Countdown Live concerts were over, then undergo rehabilitation during the time off, and return to the stage later in the year without making things public until later on. I've always preferred to keep things like this to myself, and this was no exception. Hospital appointments were made, and a date set for the operation. I saw the New Year in happily, and the operation took place without incident.

Foolishly, I allowed myself to relax at that point.

I don't want to go into too much detail about the last few months, but suffice it to say that I'm still learning to live with my knee, day in day out. In all honestly I should probably stop performing on stage as I do, but that isn't something I am prepared to contemplate.

Just before this year's tour began I received a second blow - my hearing started to deteriorate further. My semicircular canals had blown, and I was experiencing crippling dizziness. I wasn't able to walk in a straight line, and was often reduced to vomiting in the restroom at the rehearsal studio. I tried to put a brace face on things, but was told after various hearing tests that my right ear (which had been working overtime to compensate for my deaf left ear) was weakening fast. I don't have a clear memory of my journey home after that. I just remember wondering how I, as a singer, would cope with two useless ears. Other than that, I was in darkness.

I've written a lot, but let me finish with this.

A certain somebody sent me a message on LINE at Yokohama Arena. It read as follows:

"You're the real deal, so pull yourself together! It makes us mad because we care about you. We all - every last one of us - want to be a part of your show!"

It was a slap in the face, but it brought me to my senses. Not out of any sense of responsibility or duty; but on a much deeper level, I managed to find myself. That night, I found my way back to being Ayumi Hamasaki.

The stage is where I belong. It's the only place I really, truly exist. I don't know anything else. There's no point in worrying about what lies ahead. I will keep listening, even if I can't hear. I will keep moving, evening if I can't move. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I will hold my head high and keep going forward until my last breath.

Next is Yoyogi! I'm looking forward to seeing your smiles

ayu

Translated by Kelvin from AyuFreak (Indonesian Ayumi Hamasaki Community), sorry if the translation is not perfect, but it's so much better than just using online translator.

Quote:

By the end of last year, I have tried my best to hide the fact that my knee's condition has worsened for the whole of 6 years. Till today, I have not shared this issue to my family or even my best friends. My personality of sharing to everyone after I have made my decision and that after all, it is my issue, has never changed since last year. I have decided and wanted to say on last year's CDL "After this year's CDL, I will go for the operation and go for rehabilitation and quietly go back to my new stages." I rushed to make appointments with the hospital and went back to welcome the year of 2017 with everyone after deciding on the operation date. I was so stupid to think that I can relax after the operation. After that, the pain that I have been living with everyday is not something that I can describe in a word or two, so I do not plan to describe it in detail. After a few months, I am still passing the day by feeling my knees. However, I know that it is not the right way as if I want to say why, it is related to me leaving this stage.

Furthermore, during my tour, my ear worsened.Due to the rupture of my semicircular canal, I suddenly lost my balance. Sometimes, I can not even walk in a straight line. After that, although I managed to walk in a straight line, somehow I will stumble and fall. In general, it seems like as if I am performing in a drunken world. I have tried to vomit a few times in the studio's restroom. But, I always say to myself "I will not lose to you" and try to face it. Due to the face that I had a sudden heart pain, I went to get a check up on my ear. "Because I have lost my hearings on my left ear, I have been relying on my right ear. And your right ear has also worsened." Although I was still smiling like as usual after hearing the result, my mind went blank on my way back home after the check up. "Eh, both ear? am i still considered a singer?" was all on my mind

In the middle of the yokohama arena, someone contacted me through Line. This is what he/she wrote "because of the existence of love, it seems that you do not lose your temper easily. Because of your genuity, let's work hard one more time! we are the same like everybody, no matter who they are, I just want to stand in the middle of your stage that you made!" This word is like a slap to my face, made me wake up in an instant. This is not a responsibility, or a job. I want to get back to the Hamasaki Ayumi that everyone familiarize with.

to me, the stage is my everything.
This stage is the place where I survived.
Other than this, I cannot imagine where I can survive.
This is not the time where I think what my future holds.
Even if I lose my hearings, I will try to hear.
Even if I can't walk, I will try to walk.
Thank you so much but I do not need your sympathy and compassions!
Even till to the end of the limit, I will go forward to my goals with my heads up high!

I look foward to your smiles in the next Yoyogi Hall, Understood?

My heart ache so much, I keep thinking about her. I have been fans of her since 1999, for 18 years. She has inspire me in many ways. And to know her current condition, its really heart breaking.

I wish that she will take a break and do everything she could to heal her knees and ear condition. But we know that she never take a break. She keep on going.

AyuWorld · #2 20th May 2017, 04:52 AM

Thank you

I got goosebumps and saddened again reading that shes been dealing and enduring the pain

the fact that she also cant walk straight and lost her balance and vomit... Ayu

AyuGAME · #3 20th May 2017, 05:01 AM

Quote:

"Eh, both ear? am i still considered a singer?" was all on my mind

this part is so tragic...

AyuWorld · #4 20th May 2017, 05:05 AM

Due to the rupture of my semicircular canal, I suddenly lost my balance. Sometimes, I can not even walk in a straight line. After that, although I managed to walk in a straight line, somehow I will stumble and fall. In general, it seems like as if I am performing in a drunken world. I have tried to vomit a few times in the studio's restroom. But, I always say to myself "I will not lose to you" and try to face it. Due to the face that I had a sudden heart pain, I went to get a check up on my ear.

imagining her condition, just how much shes been enduring

and sudden heart pain? I didnt know ear damage will even cause heart pain

ohsixthirty · #5 20th May 2017, 05:54 AM

Fuck.

xLuna&1LOVE · #6 20th May 2017, 06:10 AM

This entry breaks my heart. My goodness.

LONJJONG · #7 20th May 2017, 06:26 AM

Oh my dear Ayu...

Evan Odinson · #8 20th May 2017, 06:30 AM

This was so heartbreaking to read, I feel like crying, I have really mixted feelings, like I'm so proud and speechless by this woman's strenght and courage, but also really worried about her determination to continue till her own limit, idk I just want her to be happy, no matter what I'll continue to love her and support her as much as I can, always.

AyuWorld · #9 20th May 2017, 06:31 AM

I cried from this morning until now

even my friend is shocked knowing this

EndOfTheWorld · #10 20th May 2017, 07:02 AM

I am certainly not a doctor, but I think this may be the condition that Ayu is talking about. http://vestibular.org/superior-canal-dehiscence-scd#
But I could most certainly be wrong so don't take it as fact. It is only my guess.
I wish Ayu would stop hiding these things!

It's painful to hear her struggling in this way and also bottle it up inside.

I really hope Ayu will buckle down and take things seriously and do as the doctors advise her.
If continuing on the path she is going will cause more damage to her health, I would prefer her to stop doing music. Your health is very important. I don't want her to keep going for the fans if it hurts her well being. Such a tough situation.
Ayu's 20th anniversary is proving to be quite the crossroad for her.

AyuWorld · #11 20th May 2017, 07:09 AM

^
and it happened during her 10th anniv where she injured her hand and announced about her left ear.

now 20th anniv is approaching we got this devastating news. I cant stop thinking bout her now

truehappiness · #12 20th May 2017, 07:27 AM

So very worried for her and honestly rather shaken.

I think the fact that she went on that 'break' earlier this year was a bit of a red flag.

It may be time to stop performing for a while. She can still make music but I don't know about these tours/shows anymore.

Aderianu · #13 20th May 2017, 07:49 AM

I think she will not stop and going to do as much as she can, because high chance that lately she will not be able to perform. That explain 60 shows at this tour

CeReSu · #14 20th May 2017, 08:48 AM

I understand music is her life but I'm worried, considering the huge tour this year and probably next year... Maybe she's thinking about to stop after her 20th anniversary?
She needs a break, health is very important and she's only 40.

Earth_maiden · #15 20th May 2017, 09:15 AM

I have so much admiration for her, she is amazing. She goes through all of this and people still comment on her weight. She has enough to worry about.

Andrenekoi · #16 20th May 2017, 09:19 AM

There's a chance she will get completely deaf no matter what and wants to keep going now because she knows she will be forced to stop one day.

truehappiness · #17 20th May 2017, 09:26 AM

That is the type of thing she'd do, but it still scares me.

~angel*ayumi~ · #18 20th May 2017, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrenekoi

There's a chance she will get completely deaf no matter what and wants to keep going now because she knows she will be forced to stop one day.

Thinking the same

truehappiness · #19 20th May 2017, 09:38 AM

I think she will always be recording new music, but these tours are probably not going to happen after the 20th anniversary IMO and it'd be for the best. But as Ayu is doing now, she's going to push herself as far as she can go until she hits "the end".

AyuWorld · #20 20th May 2017, 10:12 AM

It scares me too, seeing her continuing the tour, with all the loud noises on stage >.< Im afraid she wont make it the last date >_>

I really really hope she would not be deaf completely. Poor woman, she has gone through a lot